Butt Monkey

Jan 072012

Warning: This post contains themes that may make you uncomfortable, and is decidedly lacking the irreverence of most of my posts.

I have moments in my life now where I look back on my life before the age of about twenty and contemplate exactly how I managed to stay clinging to some semblance of happiness, with a mindless belief that things were going to get better. There actually were a few points where I was convinced that things weren’t going to get better, but something always intervened and I was continually stopped from doing something drastic.

Good thing, too or I wouldn’t be living a semi normal life now. I suppose my interesting upbringing definitely helped me to develop the certain quirk that I carry through my adult life. The kind of quirk that creates tweets like this…

I was sober when I tweeted this. I genuinely have no idea what it means.

But despite the happy outcome with my life, I fear that there are many people out there that without the strength of character that I have developed over the years would not have come out of the other end in such good shape as myself. Drugs, suicide and alcohol addiction are the kind of place that my childhood tends to take people.

And I’m having that moment where I really hope that some of the people I went to school with are reading this post, because you know what? You lot made my life hell. You knew what I was dealing with at home. You knew that I found it hard to be the only kid with glasses. You knew that it was tough being the youngest kid in the class. And you kept picking on me. And you know what? I actually don’t fucking care if you’re reading this, because if you were bullied me when I was a kid of your own volition and not because of peer pressure, you’re a fucking asshole. I feel sorry for your kids, because they are probably going to grow up to be assholes just like their parents.

Not gorgeous, but not exactly dogworthy either.

Now? I have friends. Yeah, I’m a bit on the weird side and tend to just have a few close friends with acquaintances on the side just in case I need to rustle up a party in a hurry, but I’m pretty well adjusted. I’m married, which is something that I was sure would never happen as a teenager, considering I was called a ‘dog’ more often than anything else. When you’re fourteen you don’t really care about what the mirror says, and tend to believe your peers. While my peers were calling me a dog, my self esteem was dropping lower and lower by the day.

By the time I was fifteen, I was relieved that we were leaving the small town mentality behind for the city. Thankfully, things slowly started looking up with my peers after that point, but in the mean time I still had my mother to deal with.

Basically, she’s the alcoholic you see on the television. You know, the one who hasn’t been sober for a moment in twenty years? Always promising their kids that they are going to get better, that they’ll stop and everything will be okay?

Top tip: It never happens.

And another top tip: Drunks are not funny. Sure, it can be hilarious when you see someone on TV with the disposition of a headless chicken on acid, but in real life they are abusive, incoherent and a danger to everyone around them.

And you know what the worst thing is? If they don’t want to help themselves you’re fucked. The best you can do is to cut them loose and live your own life. And that’s what I ended up doing. After almost twenty years of trying to help her and make her stop, I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to forget it.

I left home after giving my mother one day notice. I’d told my dad about a week earlier, but my mum would have found some way to talk me out of it. The emotional rollercoaster is almost impossible to get off, and if it ever stops you need to jump out and run as fast as you can in fear of being sucked back in by it’s far reaching magnetic field.

This past year my status as life’s butt monkey has definitely seen a minor resurrection, with yet again more things beyond my control fucking me over, but thank to my previous twenty years of non stop shit going down, I’ve survived just fine. Threats of redundancy, property loss, illness and missing out on promotions were minor problems after the experiences of my earlier life.

Now, if people don’t like me much it’s because of my straight up way with words and slightly abrasive personality, rather than because I’m a skinny nerdy kid with glasses and a drunk teacher for a mother.

And I’m okay with that. Actually, I think it’s kind of fucking awesome.

If you or someone you know suffers from alcoholism or is being bullied, please get help. And if you are the bully, stop. Think about how you’re affecting the long term outcome of someones life. Not everyone is as lucky as me.

Opinion: NZ music. The good and the bad.

Jan 062012

Good: Iva Lamkum – Raise Your Glass

I seriously cannot describe how happy this song makes me. The tempo changes combined with Iva’s voice just makes for a wonderful and most importantly pleasing to the eardrums sound. She’s even better on her own than with Sola Rosa. Oh, and did I mention she is absolutely gorgeous. Definitely a song that is enhanced by the simple video with great close ups.

The rest of this post is below the jump due to it being video heavy

What it’s really like when the holiday season is summertime

Jan 052012

Now that the silly season is over and things are [almost] back to normal, I thought I would take a moment and tell you all about my ChristmasslashNewYear. Not that there is much to tell, I pretty much did the following…

As usual, I made presents at the last minute. Same thing for everyone, an image of myself, my husband and our best friend dressed in a wibbly wobbly timey wimey mash up of Doctor Who characters with added TARDIS. Then put them in a cheap three dollar frame from The Warehouse Why did I do this? Well partially because of the chaos that is my finances (which you may have read about recently on twitter) and also partially because I’m really lazy. Also I am the worst gift buyer IN THE UNIVERSE. Although I am the worlds best gift wrapper, which often makes up for the rubbish and slightly inappropriate presents.

Somehow Amy got mixed up with Jack and Ten. This puts many interesting scenarios in ones head. Also, no. The coat is not rented. More interesting scenarios.

The most annoying thing about making this gift? Well I left it SO LATE that I didn’t have time to get them professionally printed at a photo booth, so I had to use my printer. I’m pretty sure I used an entire fucking toner cartridge and ten sheets of photo paper before I got the contrast semi-okay. I know, I know, it was my own fault. Shutthefuckup.

Christmas day was pretty cruisy, as it usually is for us. We have no family in Wellington, so we use the day as an excuse to interact with nobody and play video games and eat a crapload of lollies. Christmas dinner? Eh, salad with some fancy smoked chicken and fancy par baked foccacia. None of this roast dinner shit, especially when it’s hot as hell and looks like this outside…

Wellington really turned it on for Christmas day. No clouds or obnoxious wind around at all. Hmmm... methinks someone made a deal with the devil at some point or other.

CAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNDY

Just on a side note, Biz bought so much candy that we’re still eating it. For realsies. I haven’t even started the block of macadamia chocolate yet.

Anyway, our lunch was semi healthy if you don’t count all the dressing and butter and other yummy things you put on a chicken salad. Then we ate some more junk food, played some Saints Row: The Third and tried not to expire in the heat that is our apartment. Thankfully I had built a blanket fort on Christmas eve to combat this problem.

Blanket fort. You know, to keep the heat out. Because it's ridONKulously hot in our apartment.

It’s still there. Because I know the moment I pull it down then the weather is of course going to fine up again.

We followed up the binge eating and couch potato gaming with an half hour walk along the waterfront, which is where that panorama up there was taken. No, that view isn’t from my apartment, unfortunately. Or maybe fortunately, because if there was a tsunami then I would be FUCKED.

Anyhoo, I digress. On our walk we came across many interesting things including a bunch of kids

Yep, still being blasted with ads.

with no parents around jumping off one of the docks, a statue dresssed as santa, and of course the obligatory advertising stickers stuck to shit. You can’t escape advertising, even on Christmas day. No, I don’t want to see Gwyneth Paltrow die a horrible death. Fuck off.

Surprisingly, the museum was open, but I wasn’t really feeling particularly knowledgey that day. Might have been all the bashing people with giant purple sex toys in a video game. Although we did manage to spend the day there on New Years day, which was a feat unto itself with the epic hangover, but that’s another story.

Pohutukawa. Or New Zealand Christmas tree. I'm guessing because it looks pre decorated...?

I took some pretty photos, decided the heat was causing me to expire, and we trundled on back to our building for more chocolate and PS3. This is where I lose my memory of anything else we did that day. I’m pretty sure my brain went into sugar coma shut down and refused to store any more data.

One thing I did forget to mention… I ate all this crap after spending the day before suffering from a rather nasty case of food poisoning. NOTHING WILL GET IN THE WAY OF CANDY CONSUMPTION ON CHRISTMAS.

So, following Christmas day it was pretty much just the obligatory sale period at work, so nothing particularly interesting. Thankfully New year came along and we had our annual dress up party. There was much messiness involved, some bottles of vodka flavoured with skittles (no joke) and I was asleep on the couch by four am. All the while dressed as a woman who has decided she is in love with her brother.

Dex and Deb. Pre uncomfortable feelings revelation. With added blanket fort and Asian.

Best wishes for 2012, everyone. Unfortunately there are Kardashian Barbies on their way, which I’m pretty sure is the precursor to the world ending, so make the most of it while you can!

Product Placement #1: Jeremy Renner, Computers and…?

Dec 182011

Go to the Product Placement TV Tropes page

Alrighty, so I’m going to have a total meltdown now, and I know you’re all probably expecting some kind of epic post seeing as I’ve been AWOL for a while, but I’m going to pretty much just go on about shit you should buy. Like, now.

Also, just quickly, there is no sponsorship on this post. Cross heart.

First off, go and buy tickets to Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. At this very moment. Forget that it has Tom Cruise in it. Forget that the first three were shit. Just go buy tickets now. Why? Because of this:

Image property of Paramount, Bad Robot, and all the other companies that had their hand in making this brilliantly silly film

Oh, who am I kidding? Yes, Paula Patton is gorgeous, and Simon Pegg is brilliantly hilarious, but Jeremy Renner is both of these things. And holy shit, does he kick some ass! Yes, I am absolutely going to get my hands on everything he’s been in recently and watch them like the shameless fangirl that I am becoming, because that man is just… *facepalm*

To add to the awesome sexiness that is Mr Renner, there is also a scene where he’s inside a massive server room with the cooling system offline. Sweat everywhere. LIEK WOAH.

Okay, so I couldn't find one with said sweaty JRenner, but here's one with a gun. Because let's be honest, that's just as HAWT. Credit still to Paramount/Bad Robot etc...

Okay, now that I’ve got that out of my system, there are other reasons to see this film. One, the plot isn’t convoluted and confusing. There is a crazy physicist who wants to start a nuclear war, IMF gets excommunicated (if I tell you why, it will ruin an awesome scene) and they have to go after said psychotic dude without backup. That’s pretty much it.

All you need to know is that there is a shitload of explosions, fight scenes in which Renner looks delicious, Paula Patton in a HAWT dress, and a surprising amount of self aware humour, mainly courtesy of Pegg and Renner, who are quite hilarious together. Oh, and the whole shebang opens to a prison riot breakout scene to Dean Martin’s ‘Ain’t that a Kick in the Head’. For realsies.

Rating? Ten outta ten, baby. It does exactly what it says on the box.

Next up? I’m gonna have to think about that for a moment because I’m still thinking about the MI aweseomeness. Alrighty then. Computers.

Could someone please tell me why everyone I know seems to be having laptop problems at the moment? I swear, just about all my friends and work colleagues have either had their power supplies or HDDs crap out, or just general unusable sluggishness. WHY???

This is a nondescript brand of laptop, as signified by the cat covering all logos. Don't sue me.

I have a great rule to follow:

Buy Toshiba.

That’s it. I have never had one crap out on me, and I’m on my third. Only had to upgrade once every four years since I was sixteen (obsolescence, not faults), and the only thing I’ve ever had go on me was the backlight on the screen on the last one. But to be fair, it was turned on twenty four seven for about four years, so I was kind of asking for it. And if it didn’t need upgrading I could have fixed it for about eighty bucks.

Sure, they run a bit hot, but seriously. I’ve never had one overheat so much that it’s turned off. I’ve never had a power supply crap out. I’ve dropped all of them multiple times while in use and never lost any data. And hey, they generally have better features anyway. Like you can get one with DDR3 RAM for the same price as the equivalent HP which only has DDR2.

It breaks my heart when someone is all excited about their brand new Compaq/Dell/HP/godforbidACER and then a month later has to return it because something shat itself. Yeah, it’s still under warranty, but going back to the store and pissing about just to get another computer that does the same thing is a pain in the fucking arse.

I will give Apple and ASUS credit where it’s due. Also quality machines. Although Apple, you are motherfucking overpriced.

*Kim braces herself for hate mail from devotees of bashed brands*

Alrighty, while I wait for the deluge of hate mail, we shall move on.

JEREMY RENNER

Just kidding… What I’m actually going to go on about now, is Community. No, not in general, the TV show. You know, the one on NBC? No, you probably don’t. Because the only people who watch it are the die hard fans that have been watching it from the start. Or people who have been bullied into watching it by fans like myself.

Why do you need to be told to go out and buy Community? Because NBC never fucking advertises it.

A few weeks ago, the first promo was released on the net two hours before it aired. Not surprisingly, it’s half way through it’s third season, and on indefinite hiatus. Did you know it’s actually the best comedy since M*A*S*H?

Yes, I’m making a massive claim here. It’s better than all the usual suspects, Seinfeld, Scrubs (well, the first three seasons, anyway), Modern Family (psssht, The Middle is way better), 30 Rock (a worthy adversary). Seriously.

There is nothing better than this show.

How many half hour comedies can you name that have pulled of parodies in almost every single episode? Not to mention three whole episodes that feature paintball as the main plotline (the last two of which filled the final two episodes of the second season, beginning with a western parody and concluding with a spoof on Star Wars).

How many shows can pull off the idea of almost every cast member being hot for all the others at some point in time (except Chevy Chase, of course). More to the point, when was the last time you heard Chevy Chase and ‘aweseome’ in the same sentence? JUST MOTHERFUCKING THEN, DUDES.

Also, how much hotness can you fit into a sitcom cast? For real? Joel Mchale, who I was never that bothered about is just delicious. Even covered in dust and wielding an axe. And especially without a shirt…

PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECS

Donald Glover isn’t too shabby either, especially when dressed as ‘a sexy dracula’ (yes, the use of the preposition was intentional), and Danny Pudi is just awesome. Especially when playing the Han Solo character in the aforementioned Star Wars take off.

And Gillian Jacobs and Alison Brie? Well this video speaks for itself (really really NSFW)

So I implore you, watch this show. I have no idea when it will be airing when it comes back after Christmas, which at this stage might not be until Spring. But until then, reruns are airing at 8pm on Thursdays opposite the Big Bang Theory which, let’s be honest isn’t as good as it used to be (read:crappy) and is followed by Parks and Recreation (also a great show). Also, go out and buy the first two seasons on DVD. You will watch them over and over and over and over…

Also, watch Cougar Town. It’s way better than it sounds.

Bitch out: Why the 99% is not relevant in New Zealand

Dec 092011

Okay, So I had some fun with one of my NZ tweeps this morning making fun of the so called 99% with the exclusive use of hashtags. Looooooong hashtags. Hashtags like this:

#stoptellingmeimpartofthe99percentimakemyownhappiness

#dontlumpmeinwithyoubecauseyouthoughtaBAdegreewouldgetyouajob

#youdeservetobeunemployedifyoudidntspellyoursigncorrectly

#stopbeingsosuperiorjustbecauseyouhaveaBAyouarenotmoreintelligenthanme

#notmyproblemifyouwanttocrapinabucket

#yourBAmightaswellbefromGreendaleCommunityCollegetothebackoftheunemoymentline

#sorrybutyouhavetoactuallystartonminimumwagewhenyouretwentyfiveandhavenever

hadajob

Now, not to belittle the folk who are part of the small percentage of the NZ population who have genuniely lost their jobs because of corporate greed, and I may or may not know more about that than I am contractually allowed to divulge here, but there is a trend showing in these hash tags. A glaringly obvious trend that needs to be rectified immediately.

Yes, you went on to so called ‘higher education’, but guess what? My IQ is still higher than yours.

Unlike the United States, we actually learn things in high school. Actually, we learn enough in high school to make ourselves employable. Which is why People like me, who didn’t go on to higher education, are the ones hiring people the same age as us for minimum wage jobs. You know why? Because we’re not sheep.

Oh, your mum told you she’d disown you if you didn’t go on to university. Big fucking deal. Did you actually bother to learn what percentage of graduates came out of your chosen degree with employment in that field? No? Stop complaining then, you were stupid and wasted thousands of dollars on an unusable education.

Guess what? When I was in my last year of school I discovered that four percent of graduates came out of their degrees and got jobs in the graphic design field. That’s right, four percent. So you know what I did? Went full time at my minimum wage job, which in those days wasn’t a cushy thirteen bucks an hour, it was eight dollars forty, and worked my arse off six days a week for a year. Including both weekend days.

And when I got sick of that, I tried my hand at small business ownership, which as it turns out wasn’t for me, but it gave me experience in business management and handling budgets and money.

And do you know what the thing that pisses me off the most is?

There are folks out there who are getting pay rises because the minimum wage is going up. Which is really pissing of the people who deserve to get a bump in pay. Because if the minimum wage didn’t keep going up, then companies would be giving the staff that worked for it the pay rises. Not the schlubs who call in sick three times a month, and just stand around chatting when they are actually at work, or the person who has been told time and time again that they need to smile at the customers, but still cant quite figure out how to turn their frown in the other direction.

Result? Quality staff who are disgruntled and therefore becoming part of the other group. Now you tell me how that is a good way to run a society? Yes, I just said the inconceivable. High minimum wages are demoralising.

You know what? If you’re miserable, then why don’t you try actually smiling at people? Be nice to people. Work harder and get a promotion, instead of expecting a pay rise.

Or, you know what, if you’re unemployed, then why don’t you go get a job at a bloody supermarket and at least contribute, rather than whingeing about how you can’t get a sixty thousand dollar a year job straight out of university. Yeah, unemployment looks really great on your CV. There is no way they are going to hire the guy who has been working his butt off six days a week in a cleaning job, waiting for something to come up. Because that doesn’t show strength of character or anything. Or a willingness to do the dirty work. Or work an extra day a week from time to time.

Nope, that employer is totally going to hire you. Because you stuck to your guns. You sat on your arse and complained, and then when a job finally came up that you deemed acceptable and within walking distance from your house, you went along like the entitled prick you are, with your BA and references from a lecturer that only ever saw you from a distance while you sat at the back of the hall and played with your iPhone, and acted like you didn’t even need to try to get the job. It was yours anyway. Nobody else could possibly be as qualified as you for the position.

Because this is the reality here. Students being pushed towards spending thousands at tertiary training institutions because it’s the thing to do. When it’s not necessary.

I’ve seen so many people drop out and end up in menial jobs, but they are happy. Except for the crippling debt they realise that suddenly they have time to do fun stuff like have weekends where they aren’t cooped inside studying. Or go out on a Friday and chill out, rather than panic about the paper that is due on Monday that they haven’t started yet.

And hey, they get paid the rest of the time.

The only thing I hear from these latecomers to the concept of the ‘tertiary education of life’ is how much they wish they hadn’t spent two years wasting their time only to be indebted to the government.

And yeah, I know that I’m going to get bitched out for this post by a lot of people, but you know what? I don’t care. Because the world needs to know that not all of the folk out there who earn less than a million dollars a year are pissed off about it.

Some of us are happy.

Some of us wish that people stopped screaming from the rooftops that we should all be knocking down with the wealthy and powerful.

Some of us have made smart life choices.

Some of us don’t expect to own a mcmansion by the age of thirty-two

And you know what? There are actually people out there who look at places like the US, where thousands upon thousands have lost their jobs due to corporate greed, and the minimum wage in most states is about four bucks an hour, and think “Hey, things are pretty fucking alright over here, aren’t they?”

Serious post #3: Getting into debt in NZ, a user guide

Nov 232011

As you may have already gleaned, I have had my fair share of experience with debt. I have pretty much been in a constant state of owing money to somebody since the age of seventeen, first to my parents, and later to various lending institutions. Here is what I have learned.

Disclaimer: I am by no means an expert in this field, I am only offering advice from my own experiences and failures.

1. Do not accept money from family

No matter how much they insist otherwise, they will always want it back in one way or another.

As a seventeen year old, I went out on a limb and accepted a gift from my parents. My mum had recently inherited some cash from my grandfather’s estate, and insisted on me using it to buy my own business.

Buying the business, although it did not ever make me any money, was a great idea. It gave me experience in owning and operating my own store at a young age, and I learned a lot in regards to business management and negotiation.

Accepting the ‘gift’ was not a great idea.

For two years, I was forced to work in close proximity with my mother. There are many reasons why this was difficult, but the main one was simply the fact that it meant I spent almost twenty four hours a day with her.

Not only this, but there was the constant backhanded and subtle reminders of where the money had come from in the first place. This, in turn, caused my relationship to break down with my mother, and not long after selling the business, I moved out of home. I have not slept in the same building as her since.

3. Don’t turn your nose up at a crap house

Just because a place is in an average part of town, and looks like it’s big enough for a family of rodents, don’t write it off. Sure, you can spend an extra hundred grand and buy the new townhouse two streets over, but if you and your partner both lost your jobs tomorrow, could you afford to pay the mortgage on minimum wage?

This is the question everyone should ask themselves before buying a house. If you have a decent deposit, great. You can buy a better place. If you don’t, make sure you can pay that mortgage from your thirty five hour a week job at the supermarket. In other words, don’t borrow more than a hundred and fifty thousand.

There are three things that are important to consider when purchasing a property:

Is it structurally sound? Get a building inspection done independently and if it’s all good, then great. If there is mold anywhere, or any rot, don’t touch it. You won’t get around to fixing the problem until the shit hits the fan, and then it’s going to cost you a fortune.
Is the market in the area going to stay stable? Good indicators are school quality, proximity to amenities and, most importantly, how much free space is available for new developments? If there is next to none, chances are you are onto a winner. It indicates popularity and means that people will be willing to pay a premium in the future for your place so they can renovate it or knock it down to build something new
What are your intentions for the property? Is it purely a place of your own so that you aren’t throwing your money into someone else’s pockets, or do you want to raise a family? Are you planning on renting it out if you move towns, or do you want to sell it? Don’t forget that for the first ten years or so, most of your money will be going straight to the bank in interest, as you really won’t start cutting into that principal for a while!

Thankfully for us, buying our place was a purely financial decision based on numbers two and three, and we got lucky on number one. I have seen many people who would have been better off renting and saving more for a decent deposit instead of going out and buying the first place that took their fancy. Leaky homes, job loss, relationship break ups and unexpected children are not a successful recipe for property investment.

So what was the outcome for us? A flat that cost us under a hundred and forty thousand. Sure, it’s the size of a postage stamp, but it has a decent amount of outdoor space, was easy to rent out when we moved, and is in a part of town that is moving ahead at a rapid rate due to it’s proximity to the central city. Three months after moving in, it’s valuation had increased to twenty grand more than what we had paid for it. Shame the global financial crisis hit.

It’s been stagnant ever since.

3. Credit cards are a great tool, but use them sparingly

Once upon a time I was that annoying person who gloated about paying their credit cards off every month before they started accruing interest. Why did I do this, instead of just using my own money? Well for starters, we were on a partially floating mortgage, so every cent that remained in that account until the last minute was saving us on interest there. Secondly? The points. Yep, I’m a points whore. You get free shit, don’t snub it.

So basically, we were saving about thirty bucks a month by paying the nominal six monthly fee for our cards. Just by borrowing some fake cash from the bank for fifty five days.

Now? Well for starters, we currently rent a property. Which means we had to stump up the cash for a bond (security deposit, for some of you), plus two weeks rent in advance, seeing as we owned our own place previously and didn’t have anything to transfer. So to move cities, it cost us two and a half grand before we had even hired the moving truck.

We decided to move our own stuff, so then add to the figure above, the cost for hiring the truck for two days, the ferry tickets for three of us (we needed someone to drive the truck back, and we were moving to a different island), and the booze for everyone that helped out along the way, you have a rather large figure sitting on that there credit card.

Then we got married.

We had the amazing benefit of Biz’s family pitching in for a majority of the costs, previous experience with family notwithstanding, but all the small things add up. A lot.

After a year of this lead weight sitting at the same level, managing to pay off chunks every pay check but just spending it again over the course of the rest of the month (and just having to buy a new forty inch LED 3D TV), we have finally had enough. We had some foreign money that we had been letting sit, waiting for the exchange rate to get better. We bit the bullet and brought it over.

Bottom line? If you can get rid of it, do it now.

So now we can happily go back to living from paycheck to paycheck, not having to throw every last cent we have at a valiant attempt to get the cards under control. Hey, we might even be able to save something.

4. Don’t be afraid of Hire Purchase

There is nothing wrong with hire purchase. It’s actually a fantastic tool, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. The key is discipline.

There are a few reasons why you should put your new computer on the tick. Mainly, most places offer pretty decent interest free terms nowadays. Don’t let them talk you into the deferred payment option, because chances are the payments will start right when the interest free period stops, but if you pay the loan off before they start charging you 24%, the only extra you pay is the booking fee.

Secondly, a bit of debt outside of credit cards is important to get you a good credit rating. Did you know that if you don’t have a guarantor, you probably won’t be able to get a loan at all at first? Yep, that credit card you’ve had with the bank is doing pretty much nothing for your credit rating other than making it drop every time you forget to make a payment. Finance companies do not take bank credit into account when issuing personal loans, which is essentially what a hire purchase is, it’s just arranged by the retailer.

Also, did you know it’s illegal for a retailer to offer a discounted rate to someone paying ‘cash’? Yep, every customer has to be offered an equal opportunity to purchase an item at the same value as the next person. Keep in mind that if you are putting it on a payment plan, the retailer actually has to pay a percentage of the value of the sale to the finance company, so they might not seem quite as keen on negotiation if you make it clear from the outset. They will try and feel you out to see if you are paying with your own money, but try and delay the inevitable short of being dishonest. You might get a better deal (or at least get them to waive the booking fee or give you some free stuff).

I got my first HP as a sixteen year old. It was my first laptop, a four and a half thousand dollar Toshi that I got for half price. My mum put me down as a secondary payee on the account, so despite my young age, when I applied for a loan in my own name as a nineteen year old, I already had a credit history and had no problems.

#5. Never ever use your credit card to transfer money or for a cash advance

Three words. Accrues. Interest. Instantly.

Even to pay a bill using online banking. Don’t do it.

So there you go. My experiences of debt. You probably all think I’m the worlds worst person with money now, but in reality I’m actually not that bad off compared to many. And as soon as I’ve got rid of the credit cards, I might actually start following my own advice.

Facts About New Zealand part 3: Say what?

Nov 212011

We here in New Zealand say some weird stuff. You almost need to study our slang before visiting, or risk being unable to understand seventy percent of the crap that comes out of our mouths. Here are a few absolute necessities when conversing with Kiwis.

Disclaimer: This post uses irony liberally. If you do not know what this means, I suggest you leave now.

“Chur, bro”

Translation: That was a very nice thing you did for me, my friend. I thank you from the bottom of my heart and will make sure I pay back the favour in the future. Also, say hi to your mum for me.

“I’m gonna give him a real rark up”

Translation: He has been a rather disobedient young man and I will give him a talking to when I get home. Note: This talking to may or may not include the use of props used with intent to cause a stinging sensation on ones buttocks.

“Get the pav out of the fridge will ya, doll?”

Translation: There is a rather large cake made of egg whites and sugar in the refrigerator. It’s covered in cream and kiwifruit, so be careful when you’re taking it out and don’t scrape it on the shelf above. If you do, I will disown you for the remainder of the afternoon and you will not be allowed any of said sweet and amazing egg white cake.

“Sweet as”

Translation: Sounds pretty good. You know what, I don’t really care enough to protest even if it’s not quite in line with my feelings so I’m just going to agree with you.

“You’re not in Guatemala now, Dr Ropata”

Translation: Doctor Ropata is no longer in Guatemala.

“Mate”

Translation: Friend. Or, when used in a confrontational manner, arsehole who I am very tempted to punch in the face.

“Ka pai”

Translation: Sweet as.

“Get some kai in my puku”

Translation: I’m going to get something to eat. Preferably something greasy, full of carbohydrate and possibly from a fast food outlet, but anything will do, really.

“Take a squiz at that, it’s munted!”

Translation: Look! Over there! Yeah, that animal in the middle of the road. It’s been run over by a few logging trucks, I think as it appears to have spilled it’s guts all over the road and there is entrails smeared across the centre line. SERIOUSLY, LOOK, IT’S MOTHERFUCKING FUCKED UP, BRO. Note: In case you haven’t gleaned from one of the above translations, bro means friend.

“Don’t do a half pie job, you dick”

Translation: Don’t be a douchebag and do a proper job of it, I don’t want to have to do the fucking thing again myself next week when it falls to bits and you’re off sunning yourself on a beach somewhere using up a week of this year’s holiday leave entitlement.

“Our cuzzies across the ditch”

Translation: Those complete and utter dickwads who reside in the country also known as Australia. Generally moronic, imbecilic and crass, we refer to them as our ‘cousins’ in an ironic manner so as not to arouse suspicion of ill feelings. Irony is lost on Australians, therefore we do not risk raising their ire as long as we continue to use it.

“Armed Offenders Squad”

Translation: Like SWAT but better

“That really brasses me off”

Translation: Fuck you, dude. You’ve really pissed me off and I’m actually probably going to have to give you the silent treatment until I calm down a bit. While I’m not speaking to you, think about what you’ve done to cause this level of annoyance and try not to do it again, alright? I am, in fact, so angry I am going to avoid talking about the situation and let it fester, in stead getting ticked off about every little thing that doesn’t go my way.

“Kia ora”

Translation when spoken by a member of the Maori population: Hello. Nice day, isn’t it?

Translation when spoken by a non Maori member of the population: Hey, check me out, I’m better than you because I say hello in Maori. You’re just an English speaking cock who can’t be bothered learning our native tongue.

“Ticked off”

Translation: Annoyed

“He’s a right Jafa”

Translation: He’s from Auckland. He can’t help being an arsehole.

Got questions? Ideas about more informative posts like this? Tweet me! @KimbaMcG #factsaboutnz

And just a quick reminder… this post is silly, not serious.

Facts About New Zealand Part 2: Jandals and other conundrums

Nov 122011

What is a Jandal?

No it’s not some Indonesian rice dish, or an Icelandic pop group. Basically, they are flip flops. Or Thongs, whatever you call them in your neck of the woods. If you’re from Poland you probably call them Japonki, which is kind of awesome.

How do you say it? It’s not fancy. Most visitors try and say something along the lines of ‘jaan-daahl’. This is all kinds of wrong. They are a couple of pieces of plastic and rubber that you chuck on your feet when it’s hot. Say it as Bogan as you can, ’Jan-dil’ will do the trick nicely. And I have just tested this out loud in four accents. So far it works in American, English, Indian, and Welsh, which I consider an acceptable test audience. Also, I can’t do South African.

Imagine how much my mind was blown when I found out that the Jandal as we know it was actually invented right here in New Zealand. I know, right? WTF.

The name actually means JApanese saNDAL, which is an homage to its origins. Obviously the style is native of Japan, but was popularised by servicemen returning from occupied Japan in the 30′s. Some Kiwi bright spark had the idea to make them out of plastic and call them Jandals. I am so grateful for this, I hate to imagine what my summer footwear of choice would be if he hadn’t. Probably something blister inducing.

High Class Jandal

So anyway, Jandals are certainly suitable for almost every occasion. You can even get fancy ones for a nice dinner out. Add a wedge or a bit of a heel and you’ve got a real high class piece of footwear. Check out the one on the right. It even has motherfucking diamantes.

Jandals are so versatile, you can even use them as a way to turn your I’m trying really hard to be a hipster outfit into an I’m just wearing whatever I found on my bedroom floor this morning outfit. All you need to do is change your chucks for a pair of jandals. it’s that easy. Instant cool factor.

So, Jandals = Aweseome. On every level ever including alternate dimensional levels.

Next up, we have Dairy.

One person told me that when they first came to New Zealand and an aquaintance told them they were ‘going to the dairy’ they thought they were actually going to the factory that produces the milk and cheese. What they really meant is they were going to the local convenience store.

Yes, it does sell dairy products. It also sells ice blocks (or whatever you call an ice lolly in your country), bread, cigarettes, basic canned goods (although they have probably been sitting on the shelf gathering dust for months), magazines, the list goes on.

Michael McCormick’s ‘Hall st Dairy’ an iconic representation of the classic NZ convenience store

I’m guessing the reason we call them dairys is because they are synonymous with milk and ice creams. Most of them even have branding for our iconic national ice cream Tip Top plastered all over their signage.

Another staple of the dairy, is the meat pie. Which is basically a few lumps of gristle and gravy encased in a pastry crust and wrapped in a cellphane bag. When I was a kid, this special kind of disgusing only cost you a dollar. Now they’re up around the two-twenty mark and definitely not as much of a bargain as I once thought. Although if you’re really lucky your nearest one may sell a certain slightly more expensive brand which has cheese in it that actually tastes like vomit. A special treat when you’re desperately hungry and have no other option.

I said I had a pie for lunch the other day to one of my American friends and she was all ‘ooooh, yum, pie!’ and I was like ‘steak and cheese, dude’ and then she was ’oh, disappointing’. And then I was totally ‘Chur, bro. Now I want pie pie.’

I was actually very excited about my steak and cheese, because it from a bakery and actually tasted like something other than cardboard and/or vomit.

Also, dairies often have groups of frightening looking teenagers hanging around. Sometimes their looks are deceiving and they are actually harmless and just waiting for their bus. Other times they will heckle every person who walks in the door, or ask you if you can buy them a pack of smokes, to which the answer is always ‘does your mother know you’re here? I’m going to call her now’, which is really the only way to get them off your back without having one of them get all up in your face.

Now if it’s a particularly hot day, you might go for a wander to the beach via the dairy for a pie and a bottle of coke in your jandals and togs.

No, I’m not talking about clothing in an old fashioned manner, I’m referring to your swimsuit. And it can be any swimsuit. As a kid, I tended to call one pieces togs and a bikini a bikini. But as I got older I got lazy with my language, so now anything that can be used in the water is just togs. Even if you’re wearing a combo of bikini and board shorts, it’s still just togs.

Togs are the best part of a New Zealand summer. Seeing as we have no ozone layer above us, we all run around in next to nothing for three months of the year and get burned to a crisp. Which then gives us skin cancer at an alarming rate.

Whoops! That’s just me. Kids nowadays have to wear more clothing in summer than winter to avoid the aforementioned skin cancer. Me? Well I’m pasty and desperately need a tan, so I’m going to walk on the wild side and wear as little as possible, more than likely forgetting sunscreen in the process. Yes, I know, what a douchebag. people like me cost the country millions when we’re seventy and have to have the government subsidise our medical treatment. Let’s call it payback for my taxes subsidising the family down the road with no jobs, nine kids and another on the way, shall we?

Anyway, I digress into serious matters. Basically, togs are awesome, and it’s much easier to say than maillot, or tankini. Which are just stupid words, anyway.

Finally, we need to talk about Bogans. This is not a word exclusive to New Zealand, but something that comes out of Australia.

We do, however, have our own special form of Boganism. Many think that you need to drive either a Ford Falcon or a Holden Commodore to be a true bogan. This is not true. The only prerequisites of Boganism are a love for beer (or bourbon), heavy metal, and the appearance of being in the lower class.

My husband and I identify ourselves as Bogans in disguise. We can quite happily mix it up with the upper crust, speak in the queens english, and I’m a sucker for having a house that looks like it came out of an interior design magazine.

But in our heart of hearts, or favourite things to do on this earth are decidedly lower class. Parties where the only things left are bottles littering every surface, loud rock music, giving our mates dodgy haircuts, and jeans and tee shirts are pretty much a staple of our lives. Before we moved to Wellington our house had pretty much the epitome of a Bogan Backyard: Rotary washing line, overgrown grass, a pile of dead foliage chopped off a tree that we got rid of a year earlier, an overflowing compost bin, and an above ground blow up swimming pool attached to a wet back for heating…

Yeah, nowhere near upper crust. Even though we’re pretty middle class, we give off the appearance of being… not. Which is the best way to be. Boganism is fun and exciting and makes you happy, which is part of my life philosophy, so why not do it?

Here’s why. Read the Wikipedia definition of Bogan and feel my pain. People assume we’re morons who can’t speak proper English. If someone saw my Nelson backyard and then read my blog I’m sure they would think it was ghost written. People with houses like that shouldn’t even know what grammar is, let alone know how to use it.

I go into a home appliance store looking for a new oven and wander around for half an hour trying to find someone to help me, but am avoided by all the salespeople. Clothing store assistants screw up their noses when I walk in, just because I couldn’t be bothered putting on something other than the jeans and tee shirt uniform that morning. Granted, the jeans/tee shirt/boots/leather jacket combo cost over a thousand dollars, but all they think when I enter the store is oh, good lord, not another Bogan ho with no taste.

So I have learned to be content with my lack of desire to join the Wellington hipster brigade. I shall forever enjoy my Speights and loud obnoxious music.

Just as long as you don’t make me listen to Metallica… or Pearl Jam.

Wait… I can’t be Bogan! One compulsory condition of Boganism is to listen to these two bands exclusively! There is a god and his name is Dave Grohl! He’s not the devil after all!

Do you have any random Kiwi words that totally baffle you? Tweet me with the hashtag #randomkiwiwords or comment below…

Must Have Caffeine

Nov 112011

Go to the Must Have Caffeine TV Tropes page

Just typing this is a testament to my caffeine addiction. I am pooped.

As you may already know, I’m not the worlds most active person. Sure, I do a lot of lifting and trotting around my store on a daily basis, but come the weekend it’s pretty much blobby blob blob blobby blob. Unless I’m shopping, which for some reason doesn’t really feel like exercise.

Anyway, today we went to the zoo. Which was amazing. But I am exhausted.

Wellington Zoo panorama. Is this not the most beautiful zoo in the universe?

Most Friday nights I’m up until around two or three, either designing, writing or researching blog posts, or just surfing the web for random memes that I can use in unintelligible email conversations. Right now, it’s 10.54 and I am seriously considering going for zonk times. So I have caffeinated, in the hopes of a second wind in about an hour. This pretty much describes how I’m feeling right now…

After making that, and another macro with a meerkat, then getting distracted by twitter, I have managed to make it to 11.51, which is about the right time for the coffee to be kicking in.

COOOOFFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I am fucking on it now.

Right, so, CAFFEINE.

This is pretty much how my morning goes:

7am – Alarm goes off, hit snooze

7.05 – Alarm goes off again, hit snooze again

7.10, 7.15, 7.20, 7.25, 7.30, 7.35, 7.40 – Repeat step 2

7.45 – Freak out for a moment and check cellphone. Thankful it is only 7.45. Begrudgingly crawl out of bed. Knock leg on foot of bed.

7.46 – Feed the bunny

7.47 – Turn on shower

7.48 – Rifle through hammockdrobe for clothing. Realise that there is no black in there and return to living room to pick stuff that is hanging from the sprinkler pipes

7.48 – Shower. Contemplate washing hair. Decide not to. Contemplate shaving legs. Decide not to.

7.50 – Exit shower. Contemplate putting on makeup. Decide not to. Get dressed.

7.51 – Attempt to get deodorant marks off tee shirt. Fail.

7.52 – Rifle through handbag for lighter.

7.53 – Find lighter. Go for smoke on balcony.

7.54 – Watch some morons on the street try to cross the road with three people in a shopping trolley. Laugh at stupidity. Feel bad about laughing harder when they tip up on kerb. Fell less bad when I realise they are probably all high as kites and I am therefore morally superior.

7.55 – Go back inside. Check handbag for keys. Leave apartment.

7.56 – Try to avoid tripping over Blanket Man. Succeed by a few inches.

7.57 – Arrive at work

7.58 – Make coffee. Attempt to speak to boss, but find that speech interface has not yet loaded. Drink coffee.

7.59 – Begin work

8.58 – WAKE UP

As you can see by my morning schedule there is little room for error, and this is all because I must make my coffee before 8am or I will not be awake when the shop opens at 9.

Now, although I’m not the evil bite your head off type without my caffeine, I am rather different. Gone is my peppy, bouncy demeanor, which is replaced by a barely awake, dull shell with significantly lowered brain function. I will quite happily stare at a wall for fifteen minutes without really realising exactly how incredibly non productive I am being.

Some days I actually make it to morning tea time before I realise the reason I’ve been a little ‘off’. It doesn’t happen often, but sometimes I am so half asleep that I forget to actually ingest the stuff that will force me to wake up. If this has happened, the likelihood is it’s still sitting on the desk or staffroom table stone cold. If I’m desperate I will actually resort to drinking it cold or microwaving it for sixty seconds.

Then I go over to the coffee shop and get an espresso.

What are the side effects to this addiction? Oh, there are many. Starting with getting the shakes if you have been without for too long. And then the shakes if you have had too much without eating properly. And then the shakes again if you’re only using it to pull an all nighter and your body is really just telling you to go to fucking bed.

Next is the continual bathroom breaks. I’ve become quite adept at ignoring my bladder while I’m at work because the bathroom is a long walk across a teenager slash homeless person infested food court away, plus a flight of stairs that my thighs hate me for. But when I’m at home, I’m continually on the loo. Especially when I’m drinking plunger. If you’re having trouble with going wees, this is the diuretic you need.

Finally, the expense. If I’m buying myself a coffee, I’m probably going to have a muffin too. Even with my 20% discount at the coffee shop, it’s still $6.80. Every day. Multiply this by five days a week and fifty two weeks a year and you have… *does quick calculations in caffeine assisted brain* …around $1800 a year. Which is most of a new awesome laptop with 8gb of DDR3 RAM and an epic graphics card.

Does this mean it’s time to give up my caffeine addiction?

You know what? No. Because I enjoy my morning coffee (or my midnight one, as the case may be at this point in time). I could spend all my life adding up all the stuff that I buy that isn’t necessary, but the reality is, at the moment I can afford to buy my coffee and muffin every morning. Why deprive myself just because it would mean a new computer?

Eh, that can go on the credit card anyway. Call it a Christmas prezzie to myself that keeps on taking.

Serious Post #2: It’s all about perspective

Nov 092011

I felt pretty good about my first serious post. Which has led me into the next already. A huge thanks to Monica from the Mondi Post, who suggested I elaborate on the subject of perception, I have decided to hop to this challenge with gusto. What comes next are five things that are normally perceived to be out of our control, but are actually entirely the opposite when you think about it.

#1: My life sucks and I can never be happy

Well this is just wrong. On so many unfathomable and ridiculous levels.

Why can’t you be happy? Did someone shave your dog? Even if someone ate your dog, what are you going to do about it?

Yeah, I admit life can get pretty crappy at times. I, myself, had an incredibly tough upbringing which I won’t go into in depth here. All you need to know is that it’s the kind of life that breeds thoughts of suicide and self harm in many.

So what did I do?

Built a bridge and got over it. I was very angry for a long time, but about two or three years ago I woke up one morning and decided to be happy. Not the irritatingly cheerful kind that’s just asking for someone to clock you over the head with a mail box, just… happy.

I didn’t move out of home until I was nineteen, but the realisation that the environment I was living in was the starting point in towards getting to the happy place. Removing myself from the situation that had propagated so much anger and sadness was my first step on my road to enlightenment.

Geeky, gawky, ugly waste of space times.

The second step was teaching myself that I was actually a good person. I had spent so much of my life being told by peers that all I waswas a geeky, gawky, dull, ugly waste of space. My parents never said anything of the sort. Despite what I say about my home life, there is no denying that they love me very much, I was never wanting for that, but having such hurtful words thrown at you from the start of school is a real knock to your confidence. After moving out of home, I made friendships and connections with people I never would have met if I had stayed for another year or two. Many of these people are still close friends today, and I even married one!

So once you have identified the root cause of the unhappiness and anger, you need to look at your life from an outside perspective and assess how you can change your circumstances. And trust me, no matter how rough things are, there will be a way.

Once I was always the person being called into the managers office for being a grumpy bitch. Now I’m the one who can still smile at the a-hole who is yelling at me. Because I know that his anger has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him not following steps one and two, and subsequently falling into a sinkhole of anger and resentment.

2: I don’t earn enough money and nobody wants to hire me

Have you ever thought that maybe it’s your attitude? You can have all the qualifications in the world, but if you come across as a douchebag in the interview, or even just when dropping off your CV (resume), your chances of getting the job are next to none. Here are some mistakes I see people make all the time:

Arrogance. Don’t act like you’re gods gift to the world. Sure, blow your own trumpet a bit, but show some humility, for goodness sake!
Disinterest. Yes, handing your CV in to a company can be daunting, but when the person taking the folder asks you a few questions, don’t act all whatever. Be enthusiastic. If you seem miffed in any way by some simple questions there is no way you are getting an interview. And before you tell me ‘it was just some person behind the desk’ trust me, that person is writing their impression of you in red ink as soon as you walk out the door.
Lateness. Just don’t do it. Be ten minutes early.
Inflexibility. You know what? You’re going to be the newbie. You might have to work all weekend sometimes. Deal with it.
Inflated self worth. See above. Just substitute the weekend for minimum wage. Do you want a job or not?
DO YOUR RESEARCH. If you know nothing about the company you’re interviewing for, and haven’t bothered to learn, you may as well not show up for the interview.

Remember to SMILE!

Also, don’t snub your nose at menial jobs. I worked in hospitality for years on and off. Yes, I’ve been an art gallery owner too, but now I work in retail. And I love it. If I had turned my nose up at working in a bookstore and stationers six years ago, I wouldn’t be where I am now, which is living in the coolest capital city in the world, enjoying every day of my life (even the crappy ones), and earning a pretty alright salary with room to do what I like in my down time. Like writing this.

#3: Nobody likes me

Errr… newsflash. Either all the people you associate with are massive jerks, or you are. I deal with so many people every day who clearly have no clue how much of an arsehole they are, and I can’t help but wonder how they get anywhere in life.

By being an arsehole, clearly. But before you tell me that this is the only way to climb the ladder of success, stop. Do you really want to go through life with no real friends? Do you really want everyone to be complaining behind your back about how much they wish you would go jump off a bridge or something?

And do you really only want people to show up at your funeral because they are arseholes too, and only there to get their picture in the society pages of the local rag?

Yeah, I thought not. Just be nice. Maybe then people will like you. And hey, that might even help with numbers one and two, as well.

#4: The whole world is out to get me

You’re right. The reason you get sick all the time is because the world is totally trying to kill you from the inside out. It’s got nothing to do with your genetics, or the crappy damp apartment you live in. Or the amount of booze you drink every night. Don’t be stupid.

To be fair, I have crappy days too. I have crappy weeks. Last time I was on holiday I had a minor freak out and the result was this entire labyrinth of websites I have created. But look at the great thing that came out of my crappy day!

I used to think that the whole world was out to get me. Then I decided to go out there and take on the world.

#5: I can’t buy everything that I want

Do you really need the new iPhone 4s? Do you only want it because everyone else does? Look inside yourself and ask what it is you are really after. Yeah, I like stuff too. That’s why I’m in so much debt. I didn’t need most of this junk. Sure, I wanted it, but I would probably have been just as happy without it.

If you can’t do this, see my previous post, and I implore you, Get. Over. It.

And that is my five things that are normally perceived to be out of our control, but are actually entirely the opposite when you think about it

Sure, I’m a total hypocrite and shouldn’t be throwing stones in glass houses, but you know what? If you can learn something from my experiences I can handle that.

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